Something amazing has happened. I went into hospital today and it was okay. Really okay.
For the first time since the big operation I walked through the entrance and didn’t feel like I was about to collapse.
I was able to stand up straight and I didn’t need to hold onto someone’s arm. I felt bright and alert like I was starting a day at work, rather than just finishing a tiring night shift.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m certainly not well. I need a fist full of tablets every few hours and even that doesn’t quite get rid of all the pain. I still can’t walk fast or very far.
But I’m much better than I’ve been in a long time. It seems like the cloud of exhaustion is starting to lift.
Perhaps more importantly I’m now starting to believe that I’ve actually got rid of the cancer.
I know that technically I don’t have any lumps left of the evil disease. The surgeons made sure of that. For the moment let’s forget about the possibility of teeny tiny cancer cells that may be lurking inside me.
This morning as I wandered past the hospital cafe along the pale blue corridor towards my appointment I realised that I no longer saw myself as someone who belonged there.
Up until recently I’ve been so focused on my recovery that I haven’t had much energy left over for anything else. Also I felt too ill to be able to convince myself that I’d really beaten it. Now that’s changed.
I’m able to say I had cancer, not I have cancer. And really mean it.
Of course that’s brilliant. But before I get carried away, those teeny tiny cancer cells that may or may not exist still have to be sorted out. It’s the potential danger they pose that had brought me back to hospital today.
I needed more tests to determine if and when I’m able to start chemo. I so desperately want it to be soon.
Last night Mum asked me how I was feeling. For a moment I couldn’t work out why she’d just said that. Then I remembered.
I should find out next week whether I’m well enough for chemo.
Until then I’ll be trying to forget that I’m in the middle of treatment for cancer. I’m just going to enjoy feeling normal.