I’m feeling much more like me, it’s as if I’m finally waking up from a long nightmare.
Very slowly, I’m getting better. I still sleep plenty but the glimpses of normal life are starting to join up.
It’s strange to have days stretching out in front of me with a whole load of nothing to do.
Before being diagnosed with cancer I packed so much into my already hectic life in London. Now my pace has slooooowed right down.
I’m still too weak to do many things. I can’t walk very far, it’s impossible for me to stand up long enough to cook a meal and I’m too tired to even watch daytime TV.
As for lifting something heavy, like say a kettle, forget it.
Luckily I’m being looked after by my parents who live in the countryside. I’m back in the place where I grew up and I’m sure this is helping with my recovery.
These days I spend great big chunks of time in bed just staring into space. My view of the world is a massive field that leads to a wooded escarpment.
Not long after I came out of hospital, I watched as the light faded from the warm evening sky. Under the cover of dusk, small black objects began to dart around.
A pair of bats seemed to dance outside the window. The light from my bedroom had apparently attracted a feast of moths.
While the bats moved just slightly too fast, making you doubt what you’d seen, the next wildlife surprise was not so speedy.
Sauntering across the field a few days later were four roe deer. The young animals didn’t seem to care who saw them. But then we are in the middle of nowhere.
When the small deer got to the hedge at the edge of the grass, one by one they leapt about six foot into the air and disappeared into the next field.
I’m glad to have distractions like these as last week was awful. Horrendous, in fact.
Since the operation the pain has been bad but bearable. I haven’t been in agony. But that’s all changed.
Intense pain has become a close friend of mine. Day or night, it has wanted to hang out with me.
It has an unpredictable personality. It can be stabbing, shooting or squeezing with a vice like grip. You think you’ve got it under control and then it pops up in a different place.
I knew this was going to be a painful few months but I didn’t realise that second time round the cancer treatment would hurt so much.
It’s thanks to actual real friends that I’ve manage to beat the worst of the pain.
A couple of them suggested things to try, the GP agreed and so another friend drove around late night chemists to get the prescriptions for me.
I’m still in some discomfort. But compared to how terrible it was, it’s such a relief to once again only have to deal with good old fashioned low level pain.
That’s something I can easily cope with.