Sickness and in health

The last few months have been some of the worst of my life. I’ve never ever been so ill for such a long period. I started my current chemotherapy in July and it’s been horrific. I’ve had plenty of this kind of toxic treatment before. Almost 50 sessions when I last counted. But this weekly chemo is by far the hardest to cope with.

Imagine what it’s like to wake up with a bad hangover and the flu, pretty much every day. That has been my life for almost four months now.

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The tiredness has been chronic. There have been days when walking from one room to the next has been almost impossible. I’ve clocked up some serious sofa time. Lying down of course, as sitting up is too exhausting. I often feel really dizzy when I do stand up. Even just bending down makes me feel faint. Most of the time, reading or looking at a computer is too much effort. Yet despite not doing anything all day, I still need a huge amount of sleep at night. Bad days feel incredibly bleak. The never ending fatigue is debilitating.

And so too is the sickness. Mostly it’s just nausea. Ha, I say just nausea, but it’s ridiculous. (It’s perhaps best not to read on if you are feeling a bit queazy.) Generally I have about three days a week of actually being sick. Here’s how I cope: I lie on the sofa, take a variety of tablets and stare at the TV trying not to think about it. Willing myself not to throw up. I concentrate on the screen and the sickness seems to pass eventually. This doesn’t always work. Sometimes it’s best to get it over with. It doesn’t hurt that much but these days I always seem to have tears rolling down my face as I vomit. It’s not that I’m particularly upset so I’m not sure why it makes me cry.

This nausea taints so much of my daily life. I have a long list of food and drink that I can’t bear. Most of the nausea is associated with hospital visits. It reaches a peak a couple of days before chemo. Just thinking about my treatment can send me rushing to the bathroom. A few weeks ago, a friend who was coming to chemo with me sent me a text. We were arranging where to meet. But just reading the text made me throw up!

Must of the time I haven’t been able to eat much, which is no bad thing, although not eating doesn’t stop me being sick. It’s a strange sensation when it’s just cold water that comes out. But thats much better than bile. I often wake up early in the morning and my first thought is that I’m going to be sick NOW and before I can say to myself, you’ve got to be kidding, it’s started again.

I should explain that this is not a standard chemo, I’m on a clinical trial. The weekly infusion only takes 15 mins and as it slips into my veins I get the taste of almonds in the back of my throat. Something else for my banned food list. This is experimental stuff and so it’s taken a while to establish the right dose for me. My chemo cocktail has been reduced a couple of times. This has eased the symptoms, a bit. It means more sitting on the sofa and less lying down. It’s still really tough though and I have many more weeks to go.

But there are a couple of things which are getting me through all the horribleness and make it all worthwhile. My tumours are shrinking and I am happy to still be alive.