This is just so hard. The tiredness is relentless. There’s only a couple of weeks to go but there are times when I feel like giving up. But I’m not and I won’t. I know there isn’t really an option so I just have to somehow get through chemo no 77 and 78 and the debilitating side effects.
As I’m constantly shattered my goal most days is just to have a shower. Having a shower AND washing my hair – now that is a big achievement. I was warned about being totally exhausted but I didn’t think it would be this bad. Perhaps I did but I didn’t want to believe it. If I fully appreciated how awful it would be, then I might not be doing this all again.
A while ago I had an enforced week off from chemo and it was brilliant. It really helped my immune system to recover from all the evil chemo cocktails. Mentally it was great to have a break from the seemingly never-ending treatment. It also enabled me to remember what it’s like to feel well and realise that this chemo will come to an end.
Another reason that it can’t be over quick enough is that my hair is starting to fall out. I was told that my hair would thin but I wouldn’t go bald. I suppose thats what’s happening now.
There are noticeably more hairs on my pillow but I’m not too worried. After having my hair fall out three times, I know that what’s going on should not alarm me. It’s not coming out in handfuls. But even so, I don’t like it. I just try to ignore it, safe in the knowledge that I still have lots of hair.
One thing that’s me helped each week has been a random act of kindness. Back in April I wrote about how fizzy sweets really helped. My anti-cancer drugs are very toxic because they are made from heavy metal and this gives you a horrible taste in your mouth.
A couple of days after that blog post, my friend Keith sent me a load of different fizzy sweets in an old fashioned sweet shop jar. I got the surprise parcel one night after a long day on a drip. I’ve been taking a bag of them with me on each trip to hospital. Cola bottles and fizzy fruit balls are the best. They really do the trick. But they are extra special to me as it was such a lovely gesture.
Now the sweets have almost gone and I have just two more chemos to go. The sight of the almost empty jar makes me very happy that the treatment will soon be over.