This was supposed to have been a big day for me. Right now I should be recovering from my first dose of chemotherapy. But I’m not.
My consultant has decided that I’m not well enough so chemo has been delayed for a couple of weeks. It’s unbelievably frustrating.
It might sound strange but I was looking forward to being pumped full of toxic chemicals.
All the bits of my cancer have been removed. The surgeons searched and destroyed anything that looked bad.
Potentially though, there could still be some microscopic cancer cells inside me. They need to be killed by the chemo which is why I’m so keen for it to begin.
I dressed smartly for my hospital appointment. I wore make-up, a rare thing these days and I even painted my nails bright red.
I was determined to look chemo-ready.
But I couldn’t fool my consultant. I’ve known him for years and he could see the tiredness in my eyes.
Just travelling to the hospital had left me shattered. It reminded me of the feeling I sometimes get after doing overnight shifts at the BBC.
If there’s something big happening you’re totally rushed off your feet. Often in the dead of night you travel to the location of the story and then report live for Breakfast TV and BBC radio.
When it’s all finished you make your way home to bed just as most people are starting their day at work. Feeling pretty exhausted and kind of dazed, you move slowly and know that you could fall asleep at a moments notice.
For my consultant it’s not just the tiredness that’s a problem. The pain is back in a big way and my body hasn’t quite healed as much as it should have done.
I know he is right but it doesn’t make the delay any easier to deal with.
I need to be properly prepared for the onslaught of chemo. It would be really awful to start and have to stop before the end of the treatment. There’s also a whole array of horrible things that could happen to me if I’m not well enough.
So I wait.
Over the next two weeks I’m going to be sleeping lots, eating healthily and thinking positive thoughts.
Plus there’s going to be plenty of time to paint my nails again.